I wrote a few versions of this poem on Twitter, and had differing opinions on the favorite. I actually like them all for different reasons. Which one do you like best?
Haiku 1
Grandma's last car was
my first, a sturdy old dodge dart, wind
resistant like her.
Haiku 2
Grandma's last car was
my first, a sturdy old dodge dart,
wind resistant like her.
Tanka
Grandma's last car
my first
sturdy Dodge Dart
wind resistant...
like her.
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The final version has line breaks that set off the shifts the best; the changed pace they introduce probably makes the ellipsis unnecessary
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jeremy. Great point about ellipsis. The final version is my favorite.
ReplyDeleteI like the Tanka best. I think it's a very well written Tanka, in the true spirit of the style. (But what do I know? It's a great poem)
ReplyDeleteI like Haiku 2 best, but I'd edit it a bit, like this (hope you don't mind!):
ReplyDeleteGrandma's last car
my first, a sturdy Dodge dart
wind-resistant, like her